I’ve been writing blog posts here since August. Almost every single week, I have sat down at least once and wrote in this space. I’ve written about writing struggles, about unemployment struggles, about struggling to find the time, about travels, about random life stories that I just felt like sharing. (A theme appears to be struggling, but that’s the name of the game this year I guess).
I’ve shared a lot. And honestly, it’s been terrifying. Not because strangers on the internet might read it, but because people that I know in real life might stumble upon my corner of the internet and see the inner workings of my heart.
I have not shared about this blog on social media, and hardly at all in real life. The thought of doing so makes my palms sweat. I picture the days of MySpace back in middle school, where my biggest fear was that someone would want to talk about something I had posted on the internet in real life. Or worse, fight with me about it. I am still that young girl who was terrified to share anything she cared about for fear that it would be ripped to pieces as soon as she did.
Why are these still things that I am afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?That someone might say to me, “I read your blog yesterday”?
Because the thing is, I don’t go to middle school anymore. I don’t have to spend hours walking around the halls of a school full of people who might make fun of me for the things that I love. What’s the big deal?
I know these things, but I cant shake that sweaty, clammy, terrified feeling that someone will take something that I love deeply and use it against me.
But here’s the thing. The people that I admire most when it comes to the internet are the ones who share openly with the world. I’m talking about the people who have created huge, loving communities who support each other and better each other. If you want some examples, please go check out Nirrimi Firebrace, Rachel Brathen, and/or Thordis Elva. On their websites, but also on Instagram. And there are so, so many others whose stories I follow. These women are brave, they are open, they are using social media in a way that brings more light into this world, and I look up to them every single day.
At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I would become more vulnerable, more open. I promised myself that I would release the things that I’ve made out into the world, and not worry about the outcome. That I would be okay with the things I’ve created going out and living lives of their own. To remember that when I finish a project, it has done for me as much as it can do, and now it needs to be let loose into the world so that it can maybe do some good for someone else, too.
I know that vulnerable is such a buzz word right now, but I’m going to embrace it anyway. Because the truth is, while talking to myself every week on the internet is therapeutic, it’s entirely possible that I could be doing so much more if I’d just share it with others. If I’d just be open, if I’d just be okay with being exposed to the world.
I’ve learned that the kind of fear I’m holding onto right now is usually a sign that I need to do the thing that I’m afraid of. So this week, I’m going to post about my blog on Instagram. I’m going to send people that I know to this page, intentionally. And I’m f*cking terrified. But that’s probably a good sign.
So hi, hello, nice to see you here. I hope that we can make this a regular thing, if you’re into it. Read, comment, participate, do whatever. Or never read again. I promise I will not be offended.
Thank you for stopping by.
Mary E. Nolte 