I have realized in these past few weeks that I can be my own worst enemy.
Let’s back up.
This past year or so, I’ve been working really hard on many creative projects. I’ve been writing a lot. On this blog, in my novel, on Instagram (yes, I count that as writing). I opened an Etsy store. I grew a lot of plants.
I’ve been very excited and very anxious to grow all of these things. I have worked so hard to start them and spend so much of my time every day dreaming of a life where I have people waiting for me to post on my blog or Instagram every week, people waiting for me to add new items to my Etsy store, people dying to read my book.
Now, on the flipside, here are the things that I have done in response to even the tiniest bit of success: ignored blog comment notifications for several days because I was too nervous to read them, avoided talking about any and all creative projects I’m working on both online and in person, or talking about them and calling them “not a big deal,” spent hours scrolling through a Facebook feed I promised myself I wouldn’t read, forgotten to log in to my Etsy Seller account and missed the very first sale, thinking about and writing this blog post a few days ago but not publishing it. Etc., etc., etc.
And in this moment, when I suddenly recognized all the things I have done to hold myself back, I realized that I have a profound fear of success that I just can’t seem to shake.
Yes, I am afraid of getting the things that I want. And I think that the reasoning for this is simple — I believe, whether it is consciously or subconsciously, that I am not worthy of what I desire most. That I am not good enough for the life that I want to live.
When I put it into these words, it seems obvious that this is not true. Of course, everyone everywhere is worthy of the things that they want. Because, honestly? The term worthy is completely arbitrary and subjective. Who are these people out there who are determining who deserves to receive nice things? Do you think that God or the Universe thinks that you aren’t good enough for what you want? I don’t know about you, but that kind of deity seems a little judgy and I’m not sure I want to involve myself with them.
If you’re feeling what I’m putting down here, I want you to know this. Stop thinking you aren’t good enough, because you are. Stop avoiding putting yourself out there because you’re worried you’ll get embarrassed or you’ll fail. What’s the worst that can happen? A few people make fun of what you’ve created behind your back? If you love the thing that you make, what else matters?
Start repeating this to yourself every single day: I deserve this life. I am worthy of abundance. I am worthy of receiving all of my wildest hopes and dreams. I am worthy of the best goddamn life I can imagine.
And then, when something good happens, when someone comments something nice on your blog, when someone remembers something that you wrote and wants to talk to you about it, when someone wants to compliment you on something that you’ve made or an accomplishment of yours, don’t say it was nothing. Say thank you. Say I am so happy you liked it. Say that means so much to me.
You can’t be open to receiving the things that you want if you still believe you aren’t good enough to have them.
Do you want to know how to stop sabotaging yourself? Stop thinking that anyone out there is better than you, because we are all equal, we are all the same, and we are all worthy of the things we spend our time dreaming about.
I am writing this for myself as much as I am writing it for you. We’re in this together. You are good, you are worthy, you are beautiful.
Thank you for stopping by.